Much Better Than Me
by moonlightfan78
Summary: Two years after Jace sends Clary away, she is back in New York and getting married. Jace rushes to stop it, but what happens when something else gets in the way?
1. Chapter 1

_Much better than me_

_I think you can do much better than me  
>After all the lies that I made you believe<br>And guilt kicks in and I start to see  
>The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be<em>

_I told myself I won't miss you  
>But I remembered what it feels like beside you<em>

_I really miss your hair in my face  
>And the way your innocence tastes<br>And I think you should know this  
>You deserve much better than me...<em>

The music drifted out and around him and Jace cringed as he felt the lyrics rip into his soul. He closed his eyes and tried not to think about anything but the song wouldn't let him. Every note sliced him as surely as the cut of a thousand seraph blades. He raked his hands through his hair and went to pitch a throwing blade at it but stopped short, knowing he had no one to blame but himself.

He slumped down on the bed and put his head in his hands. Life was not turning out the way he'd thought it would, no the way he'd dreamed it would be, not by a long shot. He slowly raised his head as the song dwindled down to its last notes. He gasped as his heart clenched as he suddenly saw her everywhere. She lived inside him, in his arms, in his bed. He could smell the sweet scent of her in every inch of the room they'd shared. The bed, small as it was, had never been a problem because they slept so close together. Jace could still hear the beat of her heart like thunder in his ears, he could still feel the silk of her skin under his hands.

He hit repeat on the song and slammed himself down on the bed wishing he could get drunk or kill something, anything to forget what was happening across town in under an hour. He ground his hands into the bed sheets and twisted them viciously with no regard for them at all. He couldn't care less if he ripped them, his heart was slowly burning to ashes with each minute that ticked by, each minute that got him closer to really losing Clary forever.

Time replayed itself and Jace saw her walking away from him, leaving him without a backward glance. He'd made her do it, he'd driven her away with his coldness, his inability to let her close after he'd been injured. Jace had almost died and although he wanted her with him every second, the demon's dying threat kept rolling around inside his brain. The demon had assured him that a Battle was coming and Valentine was coming for clary. Jace had pushed her away, out of his life until he'd pushed her into simon's waiting arms.

Jace roared and slammed his fist against the drywall It splintered in thousands of floating dust particles and Jace welcomed the physical pain. He was so sick of the internal bleeding that was killing him. Clary had been with Simon for 6 months when the two families had moved away. Two years had gone by with no contact except the dreams he had about her every night. But even that was better than the days, every day had killed him. Now his worst nightmares were coming true and Clary was actually going to marry him. They'd moved back to the city just a month before and Jace had felt like his skin was on fire since then, every moment. Jace slammed his fist again and again against the wall smiling at the red tinted dust that rose from it.

_I told myself I won't miss you  
>But I remembered what it feels like beside you…<em>

The refrain of the song tore at his soul and he reached up and clenched his fists in his hair not caring if he ripped it out. He screamed as he imagined Isabelle helping her into a sheath of ivory satin and pinning the flowers into her fiery hair. He could imagine her smiling and hated it. The battle had never come and the promise of kidnapping had never materialized. Jace had pushed her away, lost her for nothing, but there was nothing else he could do, he'd had to protect her.

Jace felt the tears slipping down his face and did nothing to stop them. He had no damn idea what he was going to do but there was only one place he needed to be and there was no force on earth that was going to stop him.

_I told myself I won't miss you  
>But I remembered what it feels like beside you<em>

Clary sighed and tried to smile again as the lilies slipped into her hair. The curls drifted down her shoulders and caressed the bottom of her back. She picked one curl up and rubbed it between her fingers, thinking how different she must look to everyone who knew her in New York. Isabell had nearly fainted when she'd first seen Clary again. Clary was thinner, her hair longer, her eyes more haunted. She hadn't asked questions, she had just accepted the pain she saw in her eyes. They didn't speak about Jace, it was too hard. Her eyes met Isabelle's in the mirror and she knew that her friend understood her absence, it had been all she'd been able to do to survive Jace leaving her..

New York had been too hard, too hard to breathe, too hard to move and get out of bed without Jace. She'd tried and tried to forget him but like the words in the song running through her head, it had been impossible. She and Simon had pretended to date for six months before her parents had caught on. Then they had insisted that they leave NewYork. Simon's mom had also gotten a job out of town so they had all moved making it easier. Eventually Clary had agreed to allow Simon to try and make her forget Jace. It had been sweet and gentle and she began to feel as if she could move on, even if it was with only a small sliver of her heart.

Even now after two years, living in New York felt like living strapped to a livewire. She wouldn't have come anywhere near the place if Simon hadn't gotten a job here. His band had its first real gig with a record label and New York was where they were located.

She knew Jace was here, she could feel him still, but she had to move on, or at least pretend to . This was the best way she thought as she smiled brightly. As much as she loved Simon it wasn't the same way she loved Jace. He knew it, she'd been honest with him always, but he said he wanted her anyway he could have her. This was the best way to really move on, to shut the door on them, Marrying Simon killed any chance for them and maybe she could breathe again and be happy.

She just wished she could get Jace out of her mind. She patted Isabelle's hand gently as she went to get the bouquets. She heard the door open and close and dropped her head in her hands, glad to be able to stop pretending for a moment. She rubbed her tired eyes as she heard the shuffle of people out in the chapel, heard the murmur of voices and knew they were waiting. She felt the tears slipping through her fingers and tried to stop them but they refused to obey her.

She felt the touch of a hand on her shoulder and tried to wipe her eyes and disguise how she really felt. She knew Isabelle would understand though. She put on a brave smile and looked up, only to stop short when she met Simon's sad worried eyes.

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder  
>Wish I never would've said it's over<br>And I can't pretend

I won't think about you when I'm older  
>'Cause we never really had our closure<br>This can't be the end

Jace tapped his hands impatiently as he yelled for the millionth time at the cab driver as the words rang inside him with each heart beat. He couldn't stop looking at the clock on the meter as the cab sped across town. Each second that ticked by seemed like an eternity and he could barely stand it. He tapped his fingers on the cracked leather of the seat and felt the nervous energy surging through him. The cab came to a stop as traffic backed up. Jace growled and threw some money at the driver before jumping out and sprinting down the street. The church was on the edge of central park and he was still three blocks away. The ceremony was right after sunset and the setting sun seemed to count down the seconds he didn't have to waste as he sprinted down the street . Isabelle was Clary's maid of honor and he'd practically had to beat the information out of her to find out where the wedding was taking place.

He was the world's stupidest man and he felt a hissing voice of self loathing screaming it with every breath he huffed out as he pushed people out of the way. He jumped a set of stairs and prayed he would be on time. The church came into view just as the sun sank over the trees and he couldn't help a silent prayer that he wouldn't be too late.

_I really miss your hair in my face  
>And the way your innocence tastes<br>And I think you should know this  
>You deserve much better than me...<em>

Clary spun around and tried to cover as much of herself as possible as she tried to shoo him out of the room. She tried to run behind a screen to keep him from seeing her but he was having none of it.

"Clary we need to talk." He whispered softly as he grabbed her arm.

"Simon, we can talk at the reception, you shouldn't see the bride before the wedding. Now get out of here."She tried to yank away but his silence stopped her short. She looked at him and saw the tears and anguish in his eyes.

"It's also bad luck for the bride to cry on her wedding day."

Clary didn't know what to say, she was stunned into silence. She wanted to lie, she wanted to assure him that everything was fine but she found her voice gone, unable to choke the lie out. She knew what was wrong and she could see in his eyes that he knew too.

"Simon" she began softly but he cut her off with a quick waive of his hand.

"Do you want to marry me? Do you love me?"He asked fiercely, the question said with quiet determination. Clary could see the pain in his eyes and hated that she was the one causing it. She wanted to tell him that she loved him, she wished she could but knew she couldn't lie to him. She knew she didn't love him the way she should, and she had to be honest with him.

"I do love you Simon.."

"but not the way you should love someone to marry them?" the quick frustrated question caught her off guard and Clary felt her breath catch in her throat.

"No" she said simply, not wanting any lies between them "but I think you and I could be happy together still."

Simon sat heavily on the flimsy looking chair in the bridal room and yanked his bow tie free. He rubbed his nose hard and closed his eyes. She knew he was dying inside and honestly so was she. She'd royally screwed this up. She should have ended it a long time ago, but she'd been scared, and she was afraid that if she didn't pretend to have a life of some kind that she would fall into the black abyss of pain that was open before her like a yawning grave. She felt like she had to hold onto him like a lifeline. She was afraid that if she fell back in there was no way back out.

"Clary, we can't be "happy" together, "Simon said using air quotes around the word happy. " I deserve to have someone love me; I mean really love me, not just someone who is willing to settle for me. Don't you think we both do?"His wide brown eyes were earnest as they looked into her own and she knew without a doubt that she had to stop hurting them both, it was time. She needed to stop pretending.

She looked down at her nails, picking at the iridescent polish on her thumb nail. She sighed heavily and nodded as she looked up at him. Their eyes met and all the years of friendship and caring stretched between them in that look and she smiled at him sadly.

"you're right, you're always right," she smiled ruefully "When do I get to be right for a change?"

"When you make things right" Simon said with a sad laugh as he knelt in front of her and hugged her. "it's time."He buried his face in her hair glad she couldn't see his face. He closed his eyes and breathed in her scent knowing that they were doing the right thing, it still hurt like hell though.

_I told myself I won't miss you  
>But I remembered what it feels like beside you<em>

Jace shook his head as he pushed his way through the foliage beside the church. He wasn't sure what he was going to say, or why he was rucking around in the bushes but something told him he needed to stay out of sight. He figured Isabelle was on the lookout for him because she knew that even after all this time that he was still crazy about Clary. She just didn't want him to ruin things for her.

Jace pushed a rose bush out of the way and cursed every bite of the thorns on his skin. He shoved himself against the side of the church and stilled as he hear her voice. The two years of separation disappeared as her voice caressed him. He closed his eyes and raked his hands through his damp blonde hair as he remembered the way she smelled, the silken touch of her skin and the breathy sighs she made when he touched her. God he missed her, God how he loved her.

He pushed himself up, anxious to steal a glimpse of her. he put his hand on the window and tried to open it. He stopped dead when he looked inside. His heart shredded at the sight of Simon holding Clary, his Clary. His hands were in her hair and he rocked her back and forth. He wanted to rip Simon's hands off but knew he had no reason to, it was no longer his right, he'd given that up a long time ago. He felt his heart stutter as he dropped back down beside the window and slid down the side of the building. He felt the tears streaking down his face and let them come. He was too late, he had lost her forever.

Jace stumbled to his feet and ran away into the gathering darkness, wondering what he was going to do next. As he stumbled through the twilight he felt his body begin to break down. He fell to his knees in the leaves just inside the park and sobbed like he hadn't since his dad died. He rubbed his hands over his face and heart the words from that damn song drifting through his mind.

"You deserve much better than me."


	2. Chapter 2

Clary pulled back and wiped the tears out of Simon's eyes. She knew she'd hurt him, but her heart would only let her pretend so much and for so long. She'd rather end it now and let him go instead of using him to forget Jace. She tried to smile but she could feel the distance between them that hadn't been there before. Her worst fear was losing those she loved and now it seemed she was destined to do it again and again.

"I'm so sorry" she said sadly as she laid her hand on his cheek. "I do love you."

He sighed and gave her that sweet smile. "I know" He squeezed her arm and walked away quickly. Clary sank into a chair sobbing. She had never felt so lost. She knew what she wanted but wasn't sure how to make it happen. She'd taken the first step today but was at a loss as to what to do next.

Clary caught sight of herself in the mirror and was startled to see a sad but beautiful bride looking back at her. This woman had loved and lost and now had to move on, no matter how much it hurt. She wiped the tears from her face and stood knowing where she needed to be, where her heart was drawing her. She wasn't sure if he would want to see her or if he still cared at all, but she had to know. Nothing else would let her move on.

Clary slipped her chuck taylors on under her dress and ran as fast as she could out of the church. She slipped out the back way and luckily avoided everyone who was there for the wedding. She lifted the hem of her dress and ran through the trees surrounding the church. She pushed through the dense foliage between them and then she heard it, the sound of heart rending sobs. Her heart stuttered and stopped as it cut through her. She knew that sound somewhere deep inside herself, she would know it anywhere, it was the same sound her heart had been making in silence for two years.

Clary pushed forward and her dress caught and snagged again. The sounds were raking her nerves, making her restless. She gave a sharp jerk and heard the fabric tear, but she just couldn't bring herself to care. She pulled free and shoved the last branches aside and stopped cold. The sight that met her eyes stunned her.

Jace hunched against the base of one of the trees rocking back and forth. His golden hair was pushed flat against his skull by his hands which gripped his head so hard she was afraid he would rip his beautiful hair out. He was dressed in black as usual but his pants were unbuttoned, his jacket half off as if he'd dressed in a hurry. The sobs coming from him were rackng, shaking him all over. He sobbed as if he had lost everything and it killed her. She couldn't help but go to him. She ran to him and slid to her knees in the pile of crisp autumn leaves. She didn't give a damn about the dress, she just wanted to help him.

"Jace" she said gently grabbing his hands "Jace look at me." She touched his head softly feeling her heart shatter and tried to pry his hands loose. He stilled instantly and they both held their breath.

"Jace" she tried again gently but found herself suddenly on her back with a very irritated Jace holding a knife to her throat. He breathed heavily and the seraph blade glinted in the moonlight now shinning down on them.

"What the hell are you? Havent I lost enough already, now you have to take her face too to torment me." His breath was hot and harsh on her face as he pressed the knife closer.

"Jace its me, please." Her voice sounded breathless and terrified to her own ears and she prayed that he could hear her. His eyes twitched wildly and she felt her breath choke back as she realized that he didn't know her. Something in his eyes was feral, as if he'd been broken.

She sighed as she pushed the fear back down, this was the man she loved and she would walk through hell to get him back. She had already lost so much time with him and she wasn't willing to lose any more. She prayed she could reach him before he did something stupid. She reached up and slid her hands up and into his hair. She took a breath and pulled him closer even though the blade began to bit into her neck. She kissed him hard and prayed this wouldn't be the last mistake she ever made.


	3. Chapter 3

_I really miss your hair in my face, the way your innocence tastes, you deserve much better than me.._

"Jace it's me, please."

Her voice sounded achingly the same and it shredded his already obliterated heart. He gripped the blade of the knife and pushed it against the things throat, because he knew better. He'd seen her, happy and ready to marry Simon back in that church, there was no way she could be here. He closed his eyes as the voice drifted over him and for a moment he wanted to believe it but in the interest of what little sanity he had left he kept the knife to her throat.

Her hands, Clary's hands, reached up and sank into his hair. Jace felt the pull of her hands and leaned into it even though he knew it was wrong. His heart began to bleed, like the skin on her kneck as she pulled him closer and kissed him.

Jace sank into the kiss. He knew he shouldn't, knew it was the dirtiest, shittiest trick a demon ever pulled but he couldn't help himself. The smell of her hair, the soft curve of her lips was so dead on that he wanted to let himself believe it was her. She kissed him the way she used to kiss him, light nipping kisses that were at the same time still hungry. Her body arched into his touch despite the knife at her throat and he moaned despite his better instincts.

His heart cracked at the feel of her, the taste. It made his heart bleed. He felt the tears streaming down his cheeks even as he felt the grip begin to losen on the knife. He knew he was crying, knew he was giving in, but he was so tired of fighting, so tired of living without her.

Clary felt his grip losen on the knife against her chest and pulled back slightly to look at him. "Jace" she said softly" It really is me, I will always remember the first time I ever saw you," she said, "and how after that I couldn't forget you. I wanted to, but I couldn't stop myself, and even back then, in that stupid coffee shop, when I was sitting on that couch with Simon, even then that felt wrong to me- It should have been you sitting with me The one who made me laugh like that. I had only seen you once but I could never get rid of that feeling. I still can't. Please see me."

The knife made a clattering sound as it fell from his nerveless fingers. Jace looked at her and finally saw the truth. The dress she was wearing registered and he knew it was her. He felt himself without a sarcastic comment or a thing to say. He ran his hands over her face and did the only thing he could do in this moment of sweet insanity, he kissed her.

"Clary" he moaned softly against her mouth "my Clary."

He dug his hands in pulling the pins loose from her hair not giving a damn. He'd been starving for her for over two years and now he was going to have her for as long as he could, even if it was just this moment. His hands reached down and pushed the dress off her shoulders and she closed her eyes and gave herself over to him….


End file.
